Sunday morning blues.

When your aunt says "You're fifty one kilograms already?!" upon seeing your weight, you know that they judge you even though they're family.
Thanks for the emotional boost, auntie. I know I'm fat already thanks very much.
Maybe I should get back to that regime wherein I run on alternate days.
Or you know what? I shall just stop eating in school.
'Cause I'm already ugly. I don't want to be fat on top of that.
Sigh.
Not good enough. Never good enough.

pretty/unpretty

this is what I look like on a good day,

which is not often. 

but I'm glad I got this shot

because it doesn't make me feel so unpretty anymore. (:

understanding.

We sit together at the edge of the pier, talking and throwing crumbs to the fish that gather at our feet in the water. The lake is a deep green and the air is cool and frigid. My fingers are cold and your nose is pink and our cheeks are flushed from the icy chill of late autumn.
Sometimes we talk, sometimes all that we need is silence.
A smile, the brush of fingertips.
When we talk, we talk about everything that's real and everything that isn't. And you understand my dreams, I understand your aspirations.
We understand the tones in each others' voices, the underlying tones and the expressions - what is a joke, and what isn't, what is real and what isn't, where the phrases of bravado begin and end.
And the world is at peace when we smile at each other because the understanding between us is something that doesn't exist between other people.

Rainbows and ponies

I am one of those people who never get anything they want but don't ask for. But it's okay, I guess. Life isn't rainbows and ponies afterall.

Decisions, decisions.

Sometimes I wish that if I did enough good, there'd be an even greater good waiting for me at the end of the line.

-

I'm in the train now. Heading to city hall with my bro and my cousin to watch a movie at Dhoby Gaut.

Currently reconsidering my intention to give up my guitar. When you think about it, I can decide on my own. What good will telling anyone do? I mean, everytime I tell someone I just make myself upset when they don't tell me what I wanna hear even though I know that they won't say anything I'd like them to say but tell them/ask them for their opinions anyway. S'pretty stupid.
Moral of the story? When I make a decision, I'm not telling anyone from now on because no good will come of it.
Hell yeah.
Later~!

Shall try stomach later today.

Feelings are overrated.

It doesn't matter because I have no right to feel.

I need blood soon. Soon. Must drag self upstairs and get blood.

What I need is someone to back me up. Not someone who just wants to reason it out with me and insist that really it just me and I'm being unreasonable so I should see that I'm being stupid and stop feeling what I'm feeling.

Blood I need blood now now now

The sarcasm doesn't help. I hope you know that. It's okay. We have different viewpoints. I understand that.
Just stop talking to me because it's just making everything worse.

That's okay. Because it's what we do when we don't know how to fix our broken friends. We run away because we've given up on them because they always run away.
And it's alright. Please tell me everything. I'll take it out on myself for both of us.
Yep.

straight neat lines.

the blood comes out in little drops like ink. and they form one straight line down and
you can pinpoint where exactly the veins are
and my hands are shaking but haha I don't care
yay.
I feel a lot better. (:

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

I DON'T WANT ADVICE.
I DON'T WANT THIS PEP TALK
I JUST WANT SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS.

BUT THEN IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT WHAT I WANT ISN'T IT
YOU BITCH. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT.
MAN UP AND STOP COMPLAINING TO THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU CUT YOURSELF OKAY
IF IT MAKES YOU SHUT UP GO AHEAD AND BE MY GUEST.

more incessant babbling.

talk about history repeating itself.
./low whistle
everytime I start a new blog it's like this.
just can't stop talking to people who don't exist. haha.
anyway,
it's midmorning now. I've showered and am currently contemplating doing work.
I'll get to it in a sec.
anyway, I should think of a date to celebrate my birthday with adlina and sharifah.
maybe I should get started on my bio DNA on Genomics notes - or rather, where I left off. got other errands to run today.
excluding buying my guitar.
... okay, afiqah, shut up now.
right.
see ya.

p/s "the perks of being a wallflower" movie trailer is out. <3 YAY. but I don't know the release date. OTL

Posting from my phone.

So. Here I am. Postin' from my phone.
Just downloaded the app before I fell asleep last night.
Anyway, I've been thinking - I'm always thinking - and I've come to realize something. I should screw everything I feel and just lock everyone out.
Nick does it. If he can do it, so can I.
I'm tired. Still floating in between content and fatigue.
I'm going back to sleep.
See ya.

thinking is overrated.

so, this isn't gonna get anymore awesome. ./shrug eh.
right. what's in my first post, then?
well, first official post?
nevermind. I'm not going for the usual introduction stuff. seems a little stupid. ./shrug
right. so.
today I have rediscovered my lack of singing talent. tonnes of stuff going on.
MYEs coming up, and here I am moping over stupid things and being a selfish bitch.
supposed to buy my guitar tomorrow.
not going to.
it's stupid.
everything I do is stupid.
first I think that it's cruel that my parents always leave me behind, and that they try to console me with lies that I believe in the beginning and I can't wait till they're gone
and then I realize that it'd be worse if I didn't even have parents
and I get so scared.
and then I pray to god please don't take my parents away.
I love them so much.
I'm such a selfish bitch.
it's not even my birthday and I'm moping around because they won't be here for it and I won't have my guitar yet even when it's rolled around.
sigh.
okay. I think that's about all I can say now.
sigh.
s'late.
should I go nap or something?

... looking forward to decorating my room.
should I finish up my bio now?
I feel like I'll fall asleep if I try. /:
should I sleep?

sigh.
Everytime I think about it I want to throw up at how repulsive my thoughts and I are.
I'll shut up now and just let my music play for a while.
should write up a wishlist to cheer myself up.
because that's how selfish bitches like me roll.
think of what we don't have and never of all the blessings we've received.
later.

introduction? I think not.

so. this is some weird new version of a blog?
oh yeah, that ain't awkward at all.
I want to make my first post awesome and everything, but it's hard because I want to work on the layout.
maybe the second post will be more epic.
later.
./twofingeredsalute